I have had many phases in my life and one that stands out was my spiritual phase. It was at a time in my life when it felt like I was missing something and I started looking for ways to ‘find myself’. I now know that I was searching from my head, rather from within myself, where the true answers can be found.
During this time I was inspired to do yoga.
I thought that this was a very ‘spiritual’ thing to do and that it would therefore help me find myself.
I thought that this was a very ‘spiritual’ thing to do and that it would therefore help me find myself.
Being a fanatic, straight from the start I was sitting on a yoga mat four times a week in the basement of this little yoga studio in Amsterdam. I lost weight, made unnatural breathing noises, got more muscles and felt more energized. The anxiety and feeling of missing something stayed, but then there was no attention on those things on the mat. I tried many different yoga styles, had a yoga flirt here and there, learned how to stand on my head and even regularly took my yoga enthusiasm to India, where I would often stay. I was very much focused on my body, and how my ability to touch my toes and how long I could endure a certain posture. I loved to watch others and compare my yoga abilities.
I was alone on my mat, but in my head I was busy. I was not what you would describe as present in the moment. The anxiety and feeling of missing something was still there, so the search for myself continued. I went to various different yoga styles in this search: hot yoga, slow yoga and even slower yoga, until one day I got the honest realisation – I was using yoga as a distraction.
After many years of searching in this ‘spiritual yoga phase’ I was still suffering from anxiety, I did not accept myself and I still had the feeling that I was missing something. I did have a very tight and fit body and could do many of the yoga postures with ease, but as soon as I got off my yoga mat, I was all over the place, and mostly busy with the next thing, unable to stay present.
I started to question the yoga I was doing. Isn’t yoga about union, being one with yourself, in every moment of the day? Isn’t yoga about being in connection with your body and about embracing the inner stillness, to bring that into the world? Why did I not feel like that, even though I was doing so much yoga? Most of the days I woke up feeling anxious, anything but still, or present in my body.
Over the last few years I have learnt that yoga is not something you do, but in fact what you live. Yoga for me now has nothing to do with a yoga mat, a sauna, India, downward dog or going on a retreat. And no, it also has nothing to do with if and for how long I can stand on my head. Yoga is in every moment of the day and this is what I am now practicing.
Currently I am doing an online Esoteric Yoga class once a week, while I am laying on my couch at home with many pillows and blankets. During this hour I am laying down and sitting up, and am hardly doing anything else.
I was alone on my mat, but in my head I was busy. I was not what you would describe as present in the moment. The anxiety and feeling of missing something was still there, so the search for myself continued. I went to various different yoga styles in this search: hot yoga, slow yoga and even slower yoga, until one day I got the honest realisation – I was using yoga as a distraction.
After many years of searching in this ‘spiritual yoga phase’ I was still suffering from anxiety, I did not accept myself and I still had the feeling that I was missing something. I did have a very tight and fit body and could do many of the yoga postures with ease, but as soon as I got off my yoga mat, I was all over the place, and mostly busy with the next thing, unable to stay present.
I started to question the yoga I was doing. Isn’t yoga about union, being one with yourself, in every moment of the day? Isn’t yoga about being in connection with your body and about embracing the inner stillness, to bring that into the world? Why did I not feel like that, even though I was doing so much yoga? Most of the days I woke up feeling anxious, anything but still, or present in my body.
Over the last few years I have learnt that yoga is not something you do, but in fact what you live. Yoga for me now has nothing to do with a yoga mat, a sauna, India, downward dog or going on a retreat. And no, it also has nothing to do with if and for how long I can stand on my head. Yoga is in every moment of the day and this is what I am now practicing.
Currently I am doing an online Esoteric Yoga class once a week, while I am laying on my couch at home with many pillows and blankets. During this hour I am laying down and sitting up, and am hardly doing anything else.
It is not about the doing, but about my quality of being.
When I started Esoteric yoga, I was confronted with deep levels of anxiety within me. I found the classes extremely boring, wanted to run away, thought the presenter was very irritating and I was dying for some action. I could not be with myself for one hour and needed distraction to avoid what I was feeling in the present moment.
Nowadays, I am doing yoga every day, with ups and downs. I am doing yoga without a mat, but right here while sitting in my chair writing this article. Or while I am cooking, talking with somebody, walking to work or getting into bed. Then I am in stillness and with myself. Nobody is watching, there is no one to compare myself with, no challenging postures, no music, no incense, nothing to achieve and with a stomach that is slightly more round, because more and more I am not nervously holding my belly in. I feel less anxious and the feeling of missing something has diminished.
When I am in yoga (in union with me), there is actually nothing to miss and nothing to be anxious about.
Author: Mariette Reineke
Photographer: Geraldine Burrell
Nowadays, I am doing yoga every day, with ups and downs. I am doing yoga without a mat, but right here while sitting in my chair writing this article. Or while I am cooking, talking with somebody, walking to work or getting into bed. Then I am in stillness and with myself. Nobody is watching, there is no one to compare myself with, no challenging postures, no music, no incense, nothing to achieve and with a stomach that is slightly more round, because more and more I am not nervously holding my belly in. I feel less anxious and the feeling of missing something has diminished.
When I am in yoga (in union with me), there is actually nothing to miss and nothing to be anxious about.
Author: Mariette Reineke
Photographer: Geraldine Burrell
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